What did I do?!

Maybe it's just the way I react to things or maybe it has something to do with my disorder, but I've always reacted to a "Hey, come here" with a "What the hell did I do wrong?" As my mind races back and forth to try to figure it out, the person just wants to show me something or have a conversation. It's 10 seconds I go from being filled with panic to extremely relieved. The thing is 99.9% of the time I haven't done anything to warrant a "what did I do?" or that feeling of panic. 

With all the talks with doctors and the meds that I'm on, which are working for numerous things, I can't pinpoint why I respond this way. Maybe it's because I prepare how every conversation I could have with someone might go, to avoid conflict of course. Maybe I don't feel like I'm in control and don't want to be caught off guard. Whatever the reason may be, I hope I get to the bottom of it soon. Although I'm doing a lot better, those 10 seconds of panic are tough to handle! It's one of the worst anxieties/panic attacks that I get and I can't find a reasonable answer to why I get them.

(Un)Healthy Obessions...

Healthy obsession...
Is there such a thing? I get obsessed with new things quite easily but know they are going to wear off quickly. Whether it's a healthy one, like exercising or volunteer work, or bad, too many to list. 

Recently, as you know if you've been reading my blog, I started a sports podcast to overcome some of my anxieties, plus I'm passionate about sports. I feel it's going well and we started a fan page on facebook. We are getting good feedback and I'm slowly becoming obsessed to get more involved and to see where this takes us. I know it's a dream of my friend's who I'm doing the show with to do something like this for a living. I never thought about it before but if I could have a job talking about sports and get paid for it, well that sounds like a dream job to me. Hopefully this obsession opens doors and maybe one day in the distant future that dream will be reached. 

I know it's a long shot and I've never "stuck" with anything I started (another issue I'm trying to overcome) but I've always have been passionate about sports. Whether playing or following it, it's been a constant in my life...

For some reason I can't link the facebook fan page but it's The Bicoastal Sports Show if you're interested. Here's the URL at least to cut and paste:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Bicoastal-Sports-Show/215229118501786

My Apologies...

I will never apologize for the disorders I have and what I've been through with them, but I can apologize for my actions that affected other people. I'm still not sure if the things I have done was because of my disorders. All I know is I am more mature now, receiving treatment and I'm on the right path. It's only been a short time but the right path nonetheless. 

I'm sorry for: being too depressed to get out of bed and go to school, work, see friends and family. For self medicating to the point I was drunk most days. For driving under the influence at times, showing up to my sister's graduation late and hung over, having to have people take care of me when I couldn't. For cutting myself and scaring my family, breaking curfew, running away for days. For ruining friendships, burning bridges at jobs, and blowing people off. For believing lies others told me that affected my actions and feelings towards others. For when I was manic, blowing my rent and money for bills on things I don't even remember. For embarrassing friends and family for my lack of filter on my mouth. 

I know I haven't covered everything but these are the things that I dwell on and bother me the most. I also apologize to myself for not reaching my potential and giving up on myself. I plan on picking myself up and becoming a late bloomer. Better late than never...

A small victory, but a victory none the less...

There's a cycle I get in where I get out of shape, lose motivation and hate my body. I was actually doing well, in o.k. shape and feeling good about myself. Just everything else in my life at the time wasn't right. I was prescribed meds to try to fix that. It did it's job but I put on 40 lbs in about 2 months so I stopped taking them. I went from 196 to 236 in what seemed like over night. Over the next year I stayed right around the same, weighing in at 241 at my heaviest. When I got to this point I wanted to lose weight obviously but was so down on myself I'd give up almost immediately and tell myself "this is what I am."

One day I just decided enough already. I went to a new dr. and let her know everything, I mean everything that was bothering me. I got on the right medication and a switch flipped in my brain. It feels like someone found a lose wire and fixed it. This kind of jump started me back into trying to get healthy. I'm not doing anything super drastic. Just exercising a bit 3x a week and eating a bit better with smaller portions. I've joined a monthly weight loss contest with a few friends to stay motivated. Wanting to get healthy for my wonderful son, daughter, and girlfriend is pretty good motivation too. Tomorrow when I way in, it will be the first time I'm in the 220s in at least a year. It's a small step in the right direction, but I believe it was the hardest for me to take. I have a long way to go but feel I got over that small hump that I couldn't get by before. I have no intentions of stopping...

Putting myself in a hole again..

When I wasn't working for about a year I felt like I had to do something. I was on a roller-coaster between my manic and depressive stages. Like I said before, when manic I make very poor decisions, including financial decisions. Since I had nothing else going on I decided to go to a trade school to be an electrician. 

I started off doing excellent. I finished the first module with a 4.0. I then had a breakdown and ended up in the hospital. I was away from school for about 2 weeks. Once I got out of the hospital I had a lot of anxiety about facing teachers and my peers to tell them what happened. I continued for a bit and was still doing well, only to find out I'd have to start almost from the beginning because I missed a lot of time. 

I decided this would be too much for me to handle at that time. I am now on the hook for all of the tuition. Now that I'm in the right frame of mind I feel almost like I shouldn't be at fault for this or owe anything past the time I left. I don't know how to pursue this but I'm going to look into it...

It's not her fault...

I recently came across someone I know who was just diagnosed with Aspergers, a form of autism. I'm going to keep this person anonymous, so I'll say it's a young woman named Sue.

Sue wanted to let everyone know that it was this disorder that made her act a certain way and it wasn't her fault she did "those" things. It seemed like she finally had some answers to why she felt awkward and behaved in ways she couldn't help. I thought she was very brave and it was thoughtful of her to come forward and explain this very personal part about herself.

She also told me she was upset/mad that she got this disorder and didn't quite understand that it doesn't get passed like a cold or a flu, that it's just something you're born with. Sue also told me stories of  kids at
school, even teachers mistreated her and if they knew she had Aspergers that maybe they would have been nicer. She even remembers her kindergarten teacher losing her temper on her. I thought that was very telling that she could remember being handled like this by an adult all those years ago and still becoming upset about it.

Sue called her old teachers and classmates she still had the numbers to and informed them of what her issue at school was. She said to them that she wished they could have been nicer and more understanding at the time. Some teachers responded with "I thought something was up. I'm sorry and good luck."

The responses from the teachers bothered me to no end! If you think a child could have any type of condition then it needs to be reported. My guess is that they were lazy and didn't want to do extra paper work or make an extra curriculum for one student. Or perhaps, it was the school system not wanting to dish out any extra money to invest in her individual education plan. I commend almost all teachers on their work, but someone dropped the ball here. Sue should have been diagnosed and got the help she needed in school, not years later when she's out of it and too old to receive school funding...

Disorders and Sports

As you may remember from one of my previous posts, I started a sports podcast with a friend of mine. The reasons behind this was A) I love sports and B) To help me try and conquer my social anxiety. In the latest one we just did we started talking about Zack Greinke, an ace pitcher currently with the Milwaukee Brewers. I almost forgot that a few years ago he was placed on the disabled list (d.l.) for social anxiety and depression. He has made tremendous strides and is now a premier pitcher in all of Major League Baseball.

I remember when he was with the Kansas City Royals and placed on the d.l. in 2006. There was a lot of rumbles about how he was a "soft" player. Another rumor was that he was "afraid to pitch" because he was coming off a bad year in 2005. I guess you're not allowed to have any personal issues as a professional ball player or at least that's how some people perceive it.

Greinke stepped away from baseball for seven months in 2006 to receive treatment for his disorders. He came back as the pitcher everyone thought he was going to be. He won the highest award for a pitcher, the Cy Young award, in 2009. It appears he is doing really well and I hope he remains on the top of his game.

I commend Greinke for coming forward and shedding a spotlight on this. Since you can't physically see what is going on with someone who has depression or anxiety in an X-ray or MRI, people with it get labeled as soft, lazy, or "faking" it. It must have been tough on him, especially since he gets paid a lot of money to play a kids game and isn't "supposed" to be unhappy (another false notion about someone with depression/social anxiety.) I wish him nothing but the best and hope he continues to succeed except on those days he plays the Red Sox. I won't have to worry much as long as he stays in the National League.

Here's a link to the podcast. It's show #2 and we talk about Greinke towards the end...
The Bicoastal Sports Show

Here's a link to an article on what Greinke went through...
Greinke and social anxiety disorder