Putting myself in a hole again..

When I wasn't working for about a year I felt like I had to do something. I was on a roller-coaster between my manic and depressive stages. Like I said before, when manic I make very poor decisions, including financial decisions. Since I had nothing else going on I decided to go to a trade school to be an electrician. 

I started off doing excellent. I finished the first module with a 4.0. I then had a breakdown and ended up in the hospital. I was away from school for about 2 weeks. Once I got out of the hospital I had a lot of anxiety about facing teachers and my peers to tell them what happened. I continued for a bit and was still doing well, only to find out I'd have to start almost from the beginning because I missed a lot of time. 

I decided this would be too much for me to handle at that time. I am now on the hook for all of the tuition. Now that I'm in the right frame of mind I feel almost like I shouldn't be at fault for this or owe anything past the time I left. I don't know how to pursue this but I'm going to look into it...

Change in thought process...

For as long as I can remember I've done just enough to get by. Most people would hear "you can't do that" and would prove them wrong. I hear it and think "oh yeah? Well I won't then!" I don't know if it's a fear of failure or even a fear of success. I just know if I don't try, it's not me who screwed it up.

I don't know if this is environmental or an effect of my bipolar. Either way, it needs to stop. I'm 30 and I don't feel like I've accomplished much. I have a decent amount of stuff I'm taking on currently and I'm hoping and wanting to fulfill my obligations. I just need to change my thought process. I want to finish what I started. I always have or I wouldn't have taken the tasks on. I don't have an explanation for it other than sometimes I act on impulse. I'm not sure exactly how to stop it but I am fully aware of it and that's a start...

Where has my self esteem been?

It's pretty simple really. When I'm in my manic state I feel good and good about myself. When I'm depressed, I don't. That's why I think I've been in a prolonged bout with depression this time around. I'm not talking about depressed to the point where I can't get out of bed. That's what my meds are for, to prevent those low lows and high highs. But it's just enough where I'm not myself. 

I mentioned before how my last meds made me put on 40 lbs. in a short amount of time. I haven't been able to do anything with it. Never mind the fact that it feels like I woke up one day and I'm balding and half my hair/beard is gray. Getting old sucks. 

I'm finally taking a step to do something about it. I'm participating in a month to month contest with a couple of friends to see who can lose the most weight. I can't tell you how much I need this. I excel in competition. Even if I lose, it's the right thing to do. I need to get back to being healthy and picking my self esteem out of the trash pile...

Bipolar in Hollywood

Recently bipolar came to the forefront of gossip news when Catherine Zeta-Jones came forward and announced she is getting treatment for Bipolar II disorder. I wasn't sure what I thought at first because I have no feelings toward Zeta-Jones one way or another. I think I've seen her in only one or two movies that I can't remember the names of but I do admit she brings a lot of class to a profession that's been lacking in that category lately.

After reading a few articles about her situation I definitely feel for her and her family. Obviously everyone who has this "illness" has different symptoms but I can relate to a lot of what she is going through. It also brought to my attention that there is 6 million people who suffer from this. I feel a little less abnormal now even though in my circle of people I feel like the only "crazy one"....

Here's a link to an article about what she is going through.....

Article about Zeta-Jones and bipolar

Being a Dad with Bipolar

I have two wonderful kids, a 10 year old son and a 6 month old daughter. I couldn't ask for two better kids and they are the loves of my life. Above all, I consider myself a Dad first and any and everything else a distant second. 
When I became the "weekend dad" to my son it destroyed me. A lot of my time after my divorce I was extremely depressed. Not because of the divorce, I was young and to be honest, it wasn't a very healthy relationship. I was depressed because my life was uprooted and my little daddy's boy wasn't able to have his Dad around. 
When I'm feeling depressed, I like to hide out from the world and not be around anyone. I had a routine down to the second of when I had to get out of bed to make it to work on time. It's hard knowing I can't get up but I have to anyways to see my son. The guilt is crippling, especially when I did take the easy way out and called him up to tell him I was sick and can't see him. Try to hide the tears when you hear his voice, broken-hearted, tell you "that's ok Dad." 
When I'm in my manic phase I had no issues at all seeing my son but I didn't always make the right choices. I would never put my son in harm's way but I would spend money I didn't have, keep him out later than I should, and even give him an extra dessert or three. Doesn't seem like much until the cycle of guilt comes back. 
I'm doing well and getting treatment now. I have great relationship with my son and going through what I went through with him taught me a lot about having to care for myself before I can take care of others. I feel that I won't make the same mistakes with my daughter and I'll just continue to grow as a great Dad....

It's what I do...

I've worked with kids since I was 18 and the last 9 years (on and off. Mostly on) I've worked in special ed, predominantly in a residential setting. If you've read some of these kids files, it would bring you to tears. What they've been through and how they're able to cope and move on amazes me. Kind of puts everything in perspective for me. Knowing that I've played a part in helping those kids achieve their goals and make progress is a feeling that can't be expressed in written word. 
It's funny how people who have been through similar issues tend to end up working in the field and reaching out to help. I've come across many that I've worked with and it seems like everyone comes from less than spectacular circumstances and started solely to help out a kid similar to them. I may not make a lot of money and yes I get burned out at my place every once in awhile and YES I do bitch about my job. A lot. Couldn't picture myself doing anything else though.......

What if.....

Everyone asks the question what if this..? what if that..? It's human nature. I don't know what causes me to ask the most ridiculous "what if" questions. What if my car blows up and I'm stuck in it, what if my son gets kidnapped, what if I run into bin Laden? They are innocent enough except for the fact that I play out each and every scenario in my head and it's beyond time consuming. It's to the point where I can't concentrate on important things. 
And speaking of playing out things in my head, have you ever been in a conversation and afterwards thought "I should have said this instead!?" For the last few years I've been doing that going into a conversation. If I know what I'm bringing to the table I'll think of each and every response you could come up with and play it out. It can be a useful tool but it's mostly so I don't have to face confrontation. If the worst was already played out in my head, whatever the reality is can't be any worse. I'm sure it'd be a trip if someone caught me having a conversation with myself though....

You call it hospital, I call it vacation

I've been hospitalized twice in my life due to my disorder and what was labeled suicidal ideation. The 1st I can't even remember, probably because I didn't get proper treatment or heal any of my issues. The 2nd was an awakening, almost vacation-esque.

I was transferred from where I started to a much better facility. It was the first time in a long time I was told it was ok and I could actually breathe and rest. This is where I did a lot of treatment and was properly diagnosed as Bipolar, ADD, and a slight form of OCD. Immediately I thought "wow, I'm pretty fucked up!" but I'm learning to embrace it and live with it. The initial plan was to treat the bipolar first. Lithium was prescribed and all was well for a bit. 

Self esteem fluctuates as much as my moods and I've never felt "great" in my skin. I was getting happy with my body. It was the first time in 6 years I was below the 200 lbs. (Mendoza line for my baseball people.) Well, I guess a teeny tiny side effect of lithium is "may cause increase in weight." Understatement of the century. It's not like I was eating like a horse, but in 3 months I put on 40 lbs!! Yup, you read that right. Self esteem schmelf esteem, I have none left...... I'm down a few pounds now and starting Monday, I found a good group of guys that are starting a version of "Biggest Loser." I've always thrived with competition and hopefully this will be the kick in the ass I need....

My Mania

It took them awhile to diagnose me as bipolar, which is/was better known as manic depressive. Can't speak for others but in my manic stage I feel like Parker Lewis, I can't lose. It feels like every move is the right move. Your self esteem is maxed out. Every line you say gets a laugh and (when single) every girl at the bar looked at you a little different (in a good way.) You're constantly, and I hate to use a played out line from Charlie Sheen, but you're winning! You do whatever you can to stay in this phase. The only time I like being in a social setting, and don't feel awkward and enept, is in this manic state.

There obviously is a downside or this wouldn't be a "mental illness." I think there's a stigma where people misinterpret mania for irresponsibility. Picture every decision you make, every inkling of your body says "don't" but you're doing it anyway before you even realize it. You spend money you don't have on good times with so called friends. You drink away your car payment and snort your rent for the month. That's nothing until you become "ok" again and what you've done meets real life consequences. For me, that's when the back breaking loads of guilt and thoughts of self hate and destruction come in. But that's a whole different blog for a different day....

"Friends, how many of us have them?"

Not just a song by Whodini, but almost a way of life the past few years. I don't know what internal struggles I go through that makes me disappear from the Earth from anywhere from days to a full year. Try maintaining a friendship when you just don't want to deal with anybody or anything. Thank God there's one, maybe two of my old friends that just don't care that I hide out and we can talk to each other like we've hung out for the past ten years.
I'm in the best relationship I've ever been in though, and couldn't think of anyone I'd rather spend every breathe with. I do feel like once that day comes, and it will be soon, that it's going to be "I Love You Man 2" and I have to find a wedding party off the street including a best man. I guess I'll cross then burn that friendship bridge when we get there. Can't continue to stress about things that aren't solidified in the future. But if there was a field in that, I'd be tops in my profession.