Not again...

It's the first time in a long time I don't feel like getting out of bed and doing anything. It's like a force is holding me down. Before, I would question myself and ask "why am I being so lazy? What's wrong with me?" I now know there's days where I'm going to be depressed and depressed for no reason. On a larger scale, I have nothing to worry about today or be down about. I just feel like something is looming and things will probably go wrong if I do get up. 

I know myself and I usually would call out of work, tell my loved ones I'm sick and try not to bother me and stay in bed. I'm not trying to do things I'd usually would do. Like in my previous post, I'm trying to change my thought process. I'm going to try to power through it and if things go wrong so be it. At least I changed my normal destructive ways and got up...

Being a Dad with Bipolar

I have two wonderful kids, a 10 year old son and a 6 month old daughter. I couldn't ask for two better kids and they are the loves of my life. Above all, I consider myself a Dad first and any and everything else a distant second. 
When I became the "weekend dad" to my son it destroyed me. A lot of my time after my divorce I was extremely depressed. Not because of the divorce, I was young and to be honest, it wasn't a very healthy relationship. I was depressed because my life was uprooted and my little daddy's boy wasn't able to have his Dad around. 
When I'm feeling depressed, I like to hide out from the world and not be around anyone. I had a routine down to the second of when I had to get out of bed to make it to work on time. It's hard knowing I can't get up but I have to anyways to see my son. The guilt is crippling, especially when I did take the easy way out and called him up to tell him I was sick and can't see him. Try to hide the tears when you hear his voice, broken-hearted, tell you "that's ok Dad." 
When I'm in my manic phase I had no issues at all seeing my son but I didn't always make the right choices. I would never put my son in harm's way but I would spend money I didn't have, keep him out later than I should, and even give him an extra dessert or three. Doesn't seem like much until the cycle of guilt comes back. 
I'm doing well and getting treatment now. I have great relationship with my son and going through what I went through with him taught me a lot about having to care for myself before I can take care of others. I feel that I won't make the same mistakes with my daughter and I'll just continue to grow as a great Dad....

If you're happy and you know it....

I believe I (and a lot of others as well) go untreated for so long because the only symptoms that get recognized up front are the depression parts of it. I am now very conscious of when I cycle between manic and depression but previously just assumed "oh this week I'm being crazy" and play off the fun and impulsive aspect of it. I used to only seek help when I felt extremely depressed, most of the time I didn't even know what for. But the manic side of it is just as, if not more self destructive as the depression side. I can trace back my debt and horrible credit to my manic episodes. Memories of being in these phases are extremely cloudy because there are times you are doing things you know you shouldn't be doing before your brain can even compute what is happening. I relate it to a drunken blackout. 

I feel blessed that the worst didn't happen before I found treatment, but I do regret not being diagnosed at an earlier age. I could have accomplished more in school. I was in all advanced classes and received a free ride to a great private high school in my area that I did not accept because, frankly, I was scared. Being told over and over that I wasn't meeting my potential and I was just plain lazy didn't make me want to succeed or try any harder. It has been a struggle and not finishing school did lead to a period of a stressful paycheck to paycheck type life for a bit. But we all make do with what we have and I have a great family that is beyond a hefty paycheck. I am truly wealthy.....

"Friends, how many of us have them?"

Not just a song by Whodini, but almost a way of life the past few years. I don't know what internal struggles I go through that makes me disappear from the Earth from anywhere from days to a full year. Try maintaining a friendship when you just don't want to deal with anybody or anything. Thank God there's one, maybe two of my old friends that just don't care that I hide out and we can talk to each other like we've hung out for the past ten years.
I'm in the best relationship I've ever been in though, and couldn't think of anyone I'd rather spend every breathe with. I do feel like once that day comes, and it will be soon, that it's going to be "I Love You Man 2" and I have to find a wedding party off the street including a best man. I guess I'll cross then burn that friendship bridge when we get there. Can't continue to stress about things that aren't solidified in the future. But if there was a field in that, I'd be tops in my profession.