Can I get a do over?

I wrote a post a couple days ago and mentioned how I was misdiagnosed and because of that I felt like I struggled in school. I used to skip class to get out of oral reports. I'd rather take an F than face my anxiety speaking in front of my peers. I was extremely unorganized and had to chip through chaos to finish anything, especially during my manic phase. Because of my ADD, I've finished one book in my life (Bo knows Bo, story of Bo Jackson). I did however do alright on book reports because I learned how to bullshit my way through at an early age. 

I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses but bipolar is something you can't fix on your own. I feel short changed because I could have done a lot more with myself. I won awards, placed in special programs, was placed in advanced classes, and won scholarships but my grades rapidly decreased around 14-15 yrs old. I barely made it through high school and dropped out of college after my first year. I'm in a good place now and wouldn't change what I have, which is a wonderful family. Maybe it's time to take a leap of faith and start school over again...

My Mania

It took them awhile to diagnose me as bipolar, which is/was better known as manic depressive. Can't speak for others but in my manic stage I feel like Parker Lewis, I can't lose. It feels like every move is the right move. Your self esteem is maxed out. Every line you say gets a laugh and (when single) every girl at the bar looked at you a little different (in a good way.) You're constantly, and I hate to use a played out line from Charlie Sheen, but you're winning! You do whatever you can to stay in this phase. The only time I like being in a social setting, and don't feel awkward and enept, is in this manic state.

There obviously is a downside or this wouldn't be a "mental illness." I think there's a stigma where people misinterpret mania for irresponsibility. Picture every decision you make, every inkling of your body says "don't" but you're doing it anyway before you even realize it. You spend money you don't have on good times with so called friends. You drink away your car payment and snort your rent for the month. That's nothing until you become "ok" again and what you've done meets real life consequences. For me, that's when the back breaking loads of guilt and thoughts of self hate and destruction come in. But that's a whole different blog for a different day....