What did I do?!

Maybe it's just the way I react to things or maybe it has something to do with my disorder, but I've always reacted to a "Hey, come here" with a "What the hell did I do wrong?" As my mind races back and forth to try to figure it out, the person just wants to show me something or have a conversation. It's 10 seconds I go from being filled with panic to extremely relieved. The thing is 99.9% of the time I haven't done anything to warrant a "what did I do?" or that feeling of panic. 

With all the talks with doctors and the meds that I'm on, which are working for numerous things, I can't pinpoint why I respond this way. Maybe it's because I prepare how every conversation I could have with someone might go, to avoid conflict of course. Maybe I don't feel like I'm in control and don't want to be caught off guard. Whatever the reason may be, I hope I get to the bottom of it soon. Although I'm doing a lot better, those 10 seconds of panic are tough to handle! It's one of the worst anxieties/panic attacks that I get and I can't find a reasonable answer to why I get them.

(Un)Healthy Obessions...

Healthy obsession...
Is there such a thing? I get obsessed with new things quite easily but know they are going to wear off quickly. Whether it's a healthy one, like exercising or volunteer work, or bad, too many to list. 

Recently, as you know if you've been reading my blog, I started a sports podcast to overcome some of my anxieties, plus I'm passionate about sports. I feel it's going well and we started a fan page on facebook. We are getting good feedback and I'm slowly becoming obsessed to get more involved and to see where this takes us. I know it's a dream of my friend's who I'm doing the show with to do something like this for a living. I never thought about it before but if I could have a job talking about sports and get paid for it, well that sounds like a dream job to me. Hopefully this obsession opens doors and maybe one day in the distant future that dream will be reached. 

I know it's a long shot and I've never "stuck" with anything I started (another issue I'm trying to overcome) but I've always have been passionate about sports. Whether playing or following it, it's been a constant in my life...

For some reason I can't link the facebook fan page but it's The Bicoastal Sports Show if you're interested. Here's the URL at least to cut and paste:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Bicoastal-Sports-Show/215229118501786

Can I get a do over?

I wrote a post a couple days ago and mentioned how I was misdiagnosed and because of that I felt like I struggled in school. I used to skip class to get out of oral reports. I'd rather take an F than face my anxiety speaking in front of my peers. I was extremely unorganized and had to chip through chaos to finish anything, especially during my manic phase. Because of my ADD, I've finished one book in my life (Bo knows Bo, story of Bo Jackson). I did however do alright on book reports because I learned how to bullshit my way through at an early age. 

I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses but bipolar is something you can't fix on your own. I feel short changed because I could have done a lot more with myself. I won awards, placed in special programs, was placed in advanced classes, and won scholarships but my grades rapidly decreased around 14-15 yrs old. I barely made it through high school and dropped out of college after my first year. I'm in a good place now and wouldn't change what I have, which is a wonderful family. Maybe it's time to take a leap of faith and start school over again...

Sundays Suck....

For most, Sundays are a day of rest and relaxation with maybe some yardwork or other chores sprinkled in. Around my way people also refer to it as "Sunday Funday" where it's pretty much another day of drinking. Sunday is anything but fun for me. It's a day filled with anxiety and counting down the clock because I have to return my son home to his mom. I know it's no way to live life being stressed all day, and it definitely is unfair to my son but at times I just can't help it. Don't get me wrong, we always have a good time together and I love having him as much as I can, but it's just tough that no matter what we are doing I can't fully enjoy it when I have to check the clock every few minutes.

Well, I was just getting that out with the hopes it will help me feel better. I'm going to get back to enjoying time with my kids before I have to bring my son home...

The Dreadful Title of Weekend Dad

Week end dad- I don't want you to think that everything in my life is miserable. It just comes off that way as I'm venting. I have a wonderful family and a girl who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. My baby girl is 6 months old and always puts a smile on my face. My son is almost 10 and I can't believe how fast he's growing up! Since he was 3 I became the weekend dad because his mom took a metaphorical shit all over me and the courts might as well applauded her.
My week goes like this as a weekend dad- The week is pretty much filled with anxiety throughout but Mon and Tue are pretty calm as long as I get to talk to him on the phone which has been less and less lately. Wed my stress starts to amp up. I always have to "check in" with his mom to make sure he's going to be at school on Fri so I can pick him up. (if you knew her track record you'd understand why I have to check in with her.) Thu. I prepare myself for the hour and a half ride on 3 hours of sleep (due to work) that I have to take on Fri to get him. Fri is getting him home and "fixing" him up. Somehow his Mom forgets to have him keep up with daily living skills for him during the week. Soon as he's ready for bed, I crash. Sat we can actually enjoy ourselves as a family. Sun, we both know he has to go home later in the day and we both get pretty bummed out about it. I drop him off. The guilt starts and the anxiety cycle is right back to where it started. You know what though? I'd do whatever it takes to see my little man!