Bipolar in Hollywood

Recently bipolar came to the forefront of gossip news when Catherine Zeta-Jones came forward and announced she is getting treatment for Bipolar II disorder. I wasn't sure what I thought at first because I have no feelings toward Zeta-Jones one way or another. I think I've seen her in only one or two movies that I can't remember the names of but I do admit she brings a lot of class to a profession that's been lacking in that category lately.

After reading a few articles about her situation I definitely feel for her and her family. Obviously everyone who has this "illness" has different symptoms but I can relate to a lot of what she is going through. It also brought to my attention that there is 6 million people who suffer from this. I feel a little less abnormal now even though in my circle of people I feel like the only "crazy one"....

Here's a link to an article about what she is going through.....

Article about Zeta-Jones and bipolar

Being a Dad with Bipolar

I have two wonderful kids, a 10 year old son and a 6 month old daughter. I couldn't ask for two better kids and they are the loves of my life. Above all, I consider myself a Dad first and any and everything else a distant second. 
When I became the "weekend dad" to my son it destroyed me. A lot of my time after my divorce I was extremely depressed. Not because of the divorce, I was young and to be honest, it wasn't a very healthy relationship. I was depressed because my life was uprooted and my little daddy's boy wasn't able to have his Dad around. 
When I'm feeling depressed, I like to hide out from the world and not be around anyone. I had a routine down to the second of when I had to get out of bed to make it to work on time. It's hard knowing I can't get up but I have to anyways to see my son. The guilt is crippling, especially when I did take the easy way out and called him up to tell him I was sick and can't see him. Try to hide the tears when you hear his voice, broken-hearted, tell you "that's ok Dad." 
When I'm in my manic phase I had no issues at all seeing my son but I didn't always make the right choices. I would never put my son in harm's way but I would spend money I didn't have, keep him out later than I should, and even give him an extra dessert or three. Doesn't seem like much until the cycle of guilt comes back. 
I'm doing well and getting treatment now. I have great relationship with my son and going through what I went through with him taught me a lot about having to care for myself before I can take care of others. I feel that I won't make the same mistakes with my daughter and I'll just continue to grow as a great Dad....

One fear conquered....for now

In my last post I was talking about how I was going to try to overcome a few of my fears, public speaking and social anxiety. I started a podcast about sports with a friend and thought it went really well! I wasn't all that nervous but some of the things I was worried about did happen. Listening back to it I noticed I said umm and paused a lot. I lost my train of thought a few times as well.

But you know what, it's ok. I enjoyed myself. I love talking sports but I'm not a professional at it. Maybe if I could get through some of these issues, one day I might pursue it. For the first episode, I thought we did really well and I think I'm going to continue it.

I'm glad I took that step. A few times throughout the day I tried talking myself out of it with made up excuses. I didn't and I feel a lot better about myself for sticking with it. It was one small step but you have to start somewhere....

Here's the link to the podcast and my friend who I did the show with's blog (if you click on the podcast it's the one labeled "Bicoastal Sports")

http://blogtalkradio.com/kevincharity

kevincharity.blogspot.com

Right Foot Forward.....

Today I'm looking my social anxiety right in the face and trying to conquer it. At least for the time being. My life outside work and family is sports, playing sports, watching sports, and more sports. Growing up around Boston in the 80s and 90s, how can I not be!

A buddy of mine and I are starting a podcast about sports and today is our first go at it. He lives in San Diego so it's going to be sports takes from each coast. I think it's a great concept but I still have fears going into it.

I'm nervous that I'm going to say "like" and "umm" a lot, which I know I will. I don't want to come off sounding unintelligent (Me no smart.) I'm also on no sleep for the third day in a row. Even though I feel this way I'm extremely excited and looking forward to it. I'll post the link at some point....

Music over booze...

We all try to cope with our issues and where I'm from, it's pretty much a given that you're going to drink or drug your bad feelings away. You cannot throw a rock without hitting a bar or a liquor store. Anything you need to self medicate was easily acquired, and I found that out by 13.

I "self medicated" a lot. Like I said on a previous post, I was misdiagnosed as depressed, but even that didn't happen until I was 16. I knew by 12 something was wrong. I did what I could to release the stress. I cut, I drank, I smoked the illegal stuff. 

My drinking got out of hand where I'd black out at least once a week. 

I'm at a point where I could care less about any of that garbage. I found something that helps medicate me without destroying me. Of course, having a good core of people around me helps. And of course having a 6 month old will surely put your life in order. I found that just listening to meaningful music that relates to my life is the way to go. I'm not talking about that throw up over a beat or guitar riff you hear on the radio. I'm talking underground rap to hardcore to classical and everything in between. 

Lately I've been stuck on Cage, El-P, Downset and old Pantera. Anything with meaning really. I'm looking for suggestions please. If you have an artist that hits you hard or a song that does the same, leave it in a comment. I gotta keep music over booze......

Doing what it takes....

I wasn't really sure what I was going to write about tonight but the way my day went kind of dictated it. 

Currently I work overnights at an autistic residential. I took this shift for 2 reasons, because it works out that the baby can stay home and not go into daycare right now. Also, there are no social situations, it's just me on the floor. No social settings equal no awkward social moments for me.

 I'm learning that these hours are slowly killing me. I barely sleep and the sleep I do get is not the same if my hours were reversed and I worked days. I have to pump garbage into my body to stay awake and 8 out of 10 days I'm mistaken for a zombie. I'm willing to do whatever it takes as a man to support my family but I can't help but wonder how many years I'm throwing away on the back end by living like this....

If you're happy and you know it....

I believe I (and a lot of others as well) go untreated for so long because the only symptoms that get recognized up front are the depression parts of it. I am now very conscious of when I cycle between manic and depression but previously just assumed "oh this week I'm being crazy" and play off the fun and impulsive aspect of it. I used to only seek help when I felt extremely depressed, most of the time I didn't even know what for. But the manic side of it is just as, if not more self destructive as the depression side. I can trace back my debt and horrible credit to my manic episodes. Memories of being in these phases are extremely cloudy because there are times you are doing things you know you shouldn't be doing before your brain can even compute what is happening. I relate it to a drunken blackout. 

I feel blessed that the worst didn't happen before I found treatment, but I do regret not being diagnosed at an earlier age. I could have accomplished more in school. I was in all advanced classes and received a free ride to a great private high school in my area that I did not accept because, frankly, I was scared. Being told over and over that I wasn't meeting my potential and I was just plain lazy didn't make me want to succeed or try any harder. It has been a struggle and not finishing school did lead to a period of a stressful paycheck to paycheck type life for a bit. But we all make do with what we have and I have a great family that is beyond a hefty paycheck. I am truly wealthy.....