The kids, the kids...

This week my routine has been the same. I haven't changed anything but for some reason I'm missing the kids extra hard today! I'm getting my son later on (read weekend dad) and there's no better feeling seeing my daughter realizing her brother is around. She lights up and it makes my day. 

I work weird hours and I try to sleep during the day. My daughter is growing up so fast, I'm afraid I'm going to miss a milestone. I feel guilty at times trying to get rest knowing my family is up. I know I need my rest but I can be spending time with them or helping out around the house. It's starting to get to the point where I can't fall asleep because I'm putting an internal time clock on it so I can spend time with them. If I know I have to be up in 5 hours it's almost like my body feels the pressure of having to fall asleep quickly. God, I'm a weirdo haha.....

Where's my skittles?

After today, I have so many meds  I joke that it's like a bag of candy, i.e. skittles. I went to my doctor today and for the first time we are addressing my ADD and anxiety disorder. Not sure why I haven't in the pass. Maybe I don't want to admit I'm such a "mess." I also felt like I didn't want the doctor thinking I was seeking drugs even though I have valid issues.

I'm not sure how I feel about having to take medication for the rest of my life. I know it's going to help me now but who knows what the long term effects are going to be. I look like one of those old folks though, having to fill their pill box up for the week. I'm interested on how my new ADD medication will work. Hey, maybe I'll finally get to finish a book. Any suggestions?.....

Just me in an empty room...

It's weird what goes through your head when it's just you alone with your thoughts. Sometimes it brings peace and tranquility. Sometimes it brings chaos. No rhyme or reason to when and why.

For me, downtime breeds trouble. That's when thoughts and images play through my mind on a loop until I can summon up the power to confront what the issue is. If I can calm my mind, there's nothing quite like the peaceful quiet that follows. Time seems to stop and breathing is easier. How do I remain in this state? How does anyone?...

Fine line....

Earlier today I wrote something very deep, honest and personal. It made me feel a lot better and a weight quickly lifted off of my chest. Writing is like therapy for me right now. Before I posted it I re-read it and thought "this might be a little too much right now." I may put it up at some point but I guess I have to find out where to walk that fine line. I usually don't have a filter and everything is fair game. Those who know me would definitely back me up on that.

Maybe it's knowing people I know read this and I don't want to be judged on what I did or how I felt in the past. I'm making steps to grow as a man, father, and overall better person. Maybe I don't want to rehash old feelings. Whatever it is, it made me feel better at the time and hopefully at some point I can share it.

What's the next step?..

I'm sitting at work doing what I always do at work, trying to waste 8 hours until it's time to wake up the kids and pass out medication. I'm better than this. I should be doing something challenging. It's easy to stay down and depressed when your in a rut and not trying to fight your way out of it. 

So what's the next step? Well, there's circumstances I need to weigh before taking it. I don't want my daughter in daycare right now so I need to make sure my hours work with my girlfriend's. I also need to make sure I'm ready. If I'm not ready, I'm going to get overwhelmed and do what I usually do, quit. I don't get overwhelmed from the work, I actually like challenging myself. It's hard to explain. I hate new social situations and I hate feeling anxious and getting panic attacks. I know whatever it is I can do it, just tell my brain that...

Not again...

It's the first time in a long time I don't feel like getting out of bed and doing anything. It's like a force is holding me down. Before, I would question myself and ask "why am I being so lazy? What's wrong with me?" I now know there's days where I'm going to be depressed and depressed for no reason. On a larger scale, I have nothing to worry about today or be down about. I just feel like something is looming and things will probably go wrong if I do get up. 

I know myself and I usually would call out of work, tell my loved ones I'm sick and try not to bother me and stay in bed. I'm not trying to do things I'd usually would do. Like in my previous post, I'm trying to change my thought process. I'm going to try to power through it and if things go wrong so be it. At least I changed my normal destructive ways and got up...

Change in thought process...

For as long as I can remember I've done just enough to get by. Most people would hear "you can't do that" and would prove them wrong. I hear it and think "oh yeah? Well I won't then!" I don't know if it's a fear of failure or even a fear of success. I just know if I don't try, it's not me who screwed it up.

I don't know if this is environmental or an effect of my bipolar. Either way, it needs to stop. I'm 30 and I don't feel like I've accomplished much. I have a decent amount of stuff I'm taking on currently and I'm hoping and wanting to fulfill my obligations. I just need to change my thought process. I want to finish what I started. I always have or I wouldn't have taken the tasks on. I don't have an explanation for it other than sometimes I act on impulse. I'm not sure exactly how to stop it but I am fully aware of it and that's a start...