What did I do?!

Maybe it's just the way I react to things or maybe it has something to do with my disorder, but I've always reacted to a "Hey, come here" with a "What the hell did I do wrong?" As my mind races back and forth to try to figure it out, the person just wants to show me something or have a conversation. It's 10 seconds I go from being filled with panic to extremely relieved. The thing is 99.9% of the time I haven't done anything to warrant a "what did I do?" or that feeling of panic. 

With all the talks with doctors and the meds that I'm on, which are working for numerous things, I can't pinpoint why I respond this way. Maybe it's because I prepare how every conversation I could have with someone might go, to avoid conflict of course. Maybe I don't feel like I'm in control and don't want to be caught off guard. Whatever the reason may be, I hope I get to the bottom of it soon. Although I'm doing a lot better, those 10 seconds of panic are tough to handle! It's one of the worst anxieties/panic attacks that I get and I can't find a reasonable answer to why I get them.

(Un)Healthy Obessions...

Healthy obsession...
Is there such a thing? I get obsessed with new things quite easily but know they are going to wear off quickly. Whether it's a healthy one, like exercising or volunteer work, or bad, too many to list. 

Recently, as you know if you've been reading my blog, I started a sports podcast to overcome some of my anxieties, plus I'm passionate about sports. I feel it's going well and we started a fan page on facebook. We are getting good feedback and I'm slowly becoming obsessed to get more involved and to see where this takes us. I know it's a dream of my friend's who I'm doing the show with to do something like this for a living. I never thought about it before but if I could have a job talking about sports and get paid for it, well that sounds like a dream job to me. Hopefully this obsession opens doors and maybe one day in the distant future that dream will be reached. 

I know it's a long shot and I've never "stuck" with anything I started (another issue I'm trying to overcome) but I've always have been passionate about sports. Whether playing or following it, it's been a constant in my life...

For some reason I can't link the facebook fan page but it's The Bicoastal Sports Show if you're interested. Here's the URL at least to cut and paste:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Bicoastal-Sports-Show/215229118501786

My Apologies...

I will never apologize for the disorders I have and what I've been through with them, but I can apologize for my actions that affected other people. I'm still not sure if the things I have done was because of my disorders. All I know is I am more mature now, receiving treatment and I'm on the right path. It's only been a short time but the right path nonetheless. 

I'm sorry for: being too depressed to get out of bed and go to school, work, see friends and family. For self medicating to the point I was drunk most days. For driving under the influence at times, showing up to my sister's graduation late and hung over, having to have people take care of me when I couldn't. For cutting myself and scaring my family, breaking curfew, running away for days. For ruining friendships, burning bridges at jobs, and blowing people off. For believing lies others told me that affected my actions and feelings towards others. For when I was manic, blowing my rent and money for bills on things I don't even remember. For embarrassing friends and family for my lack of filter on my mouth. 

I know I haven't covered everything but these are the things that I dwell on and bother me the most. I also apologize to myself for not reaching my potential and giving up on myself. I plan on picking myself up and becoming a late bloomer. Better late than never...

A small victory, but a victory none the less...

There's a cycle I get in where I get out of shape, lose motivation and hate my body. I was actually doing well, in o.k. shape and feeling good about myself. Just everything else in my life at the time wasn't right. I was prescribed meds to try to fix that. It did it's job but I put on 40 lbs in about 2 months so I stopped taking them. I went from 196 to 236 in what seemed like over night. Over the next year I stayed right around the same, weighing in at 241 at my heaviest. When I got to this point I wanted to lose weight obviously but was so down on myself I'd give up almost immediately and tell myself "this is what I am."

One day I just decided enough already. I went to a new dr. and let her know everything, I mean everything that was bothering me. I got on the right medication and a switch flipped in my brain. It feels like someone found a lose wire and fixed it. This kind of jump started me back into trying to get healthy. I'm not doing anything super drastic. Just exercising a bit 3x a week and eating a bit better with smaller portions. I've joined a monthly weight loss contest with a few friends to stay motivated. Wanting to get healthy for my wonderful son, daughter, and girlfriend is pretty good motivation too. Tomorrow when I way in, it will be the first time I'm in the 220s in at least a year. It's a small step in the right direction, but I believe it was the hardest for me to take. I have a long way to go but feel I got over that small hump that I couldn't get by before. I have no intentions of stopping...

Putting myself in a hole again..

When I wasn't working for about a year I felt like I had to do something. I was on a roller-coaster between my manic and depressive stages. Like I said before, when manic I make very poor decisions, including financial decisions. Since I had nothing else going on I decided to go to a trade school to be an electrician. 

I started off doing excellent. I finished the first module with a 4.0. I then had a breakdown and ended up in the hospital. I was away from school for about 2 weeks. Once I got out of the hospital I had a lot of anxiety about facing teachers and my peers to tell them what happened. I continued for a bit and was still doing well, only to find out I'd have to start almost from the beginning because I missed a lot of time. 

I decided this would be too much for me to handle at that time. I am now on the hook for all of the tuition. Now that I'm in the right frame of mind I feel almost like I shouldn't be at fault for this or owe anything past the time I left. I don't know how to pursue this but I'm going to look into it...

It's not her fault...

I recently came across someone I know who was just diagnosed with Aspergers, a form of autism. I'm going to keep this person anonymous, so I'll say it's a young woman named Sue.

Sue wanted to let everyone know that it was this disorder that made her act a certain way and it wasn't her fault she did "those" things. It seemed like she finally had some answers to why she felt awkward and behaved in ways she couldn't help. I thought she was very brave and it was thoughtful of her to come forward and explain this very personal part about herself.

She also told me she was upset/mad that she got this disorder and didn't quite understand that it doesn't get passed like a cold or a flu, that it's just something you're born with. Sue also told me stories of  kids at
school, even teachers mistreated her and if they knew she had Aspergers that maybe they would have been nicer. She even remembers her kindergarten teacher losing her temper on her. I thought that was very telling that she could remember being handled like this by an adult all those years ago and still becoming upset about it.

Sue called her old teachers and classmates she still had the numbers to and informed them of what her issue at school was. She said to them that she wished they could have been nicer and more understanding at the time. Some teachers responded with "I thought something was up. I'm sorry and good luck."

The responses from the teachers bothered me to no end! If you think a child could have any type of condition then it needs to be reported. My guess is that they were lazy and didn't want to do extra paper work or make an extra curriculum for one student. Or perhaps, it was the school system not wanting to dish out any extra money to invest in her individual education plan. I commend almost all teachers on their work, but someone dropped the ball here. Sue should have been diagnosed and got the help she needed in school, not years later when she's out of it and too old to receive school funding...

Disorders and Sports

As you may remember from one of my previous posts, I started a sports podcast with a friend of mine. The reasons behind this was A) I love sports and B) To help me try and conquer my social anxiety. In the latest one we just did we started talking about Zack Greinke, an ace pitcher currently with the Milwaukee Brewers. I almost forgot that a few years ago he was placed on the disabled list (d.l.) for social anxiety and depression. He has made tremendous strides and is now a premier pitcher in all of Major League Baseball.

I remember when he was with the Kansas City Royals and placed on the d.l. in 2006. There was a lot of rumbles about how he was a "soft" player. Another rumor was that he was "afraid to pitch" because he was coming off a bad year in 2005. I guess you're not allowed to have any personal issues as a professional ball player or at least that's how some people perceive it.

Greinke stepped away from baseball for seven months in 2006 to receive treatment for his disorders. He came back as the pitcher everyone thought he was going to be. He won the highest award for a pitcher, the Cy Young award, in 2009. It appears he is doing really well and I hope he remains on the top of his game.

I commend Greinke for coming forward and shedding a spotlight on this. Since you can't physically see what is going on with someone who has depression or anxiety in an X-ray or MRI, people with it get labeled as soft, lazy, or "faking" it. It must have been tough on him, especially since he gets paid a lot of money to play a kids game and isn't "supposed" to be unhappy (another false notion about someone with depression/social anxiety.) I wish him nothing but the best and hope he continues to succeed except on those days he plays the Red Sox. I won't have to worry much as long as he stays in the National League.

Here's a link to the podcast. It's show #2 and we talk about Greinke towards the end...
The Bicoastal Sports Show

Here's a link to an article on what Greinke went through...
Greinke and social anxiety disorder

The kids, the kids...

This week my routine has been the same. I haven't changed anything but for some reason I'm missing the kids extra hard today! I'm getting my son later on (read weekend dad) and there's no better feeling seeing my daughter realizing her brother is around. She lights up and it makes my day. 

I work weird hours and I try to sleep during the day. My daughter is growing up so fast, I'm afraid I'm going to miss a milestone. I feel guilty at times trying to get rest knowing my family is up. I know I need my rest but I can be spending time with them or helping out around the house. It's starting to get to the point where I can't fall asleep because I'm putting an internal time clock on it so I can spend time with them. If I know I have to be up in 5 hours it's almost like my body feels the pressure of having to fall asleep quickly. God, I'm a weirdo haha.....

Where's my skittles?

After today, I have so many meds  I joke that it's like a bag of candy, i.e. skittles. I went to my doctor today and for the first time we are addressing my ADD and anxiety disorder. Not sure why I haven't in the pass. Maybe I don't want to admit I'm such a "mess." I also felt like I didn't want the doctor thinking I was seeking drugs even though I have valid issues.

I'm not sure how I feel about having to take medication for the rest of my life. I know it's going to help me now but who knows what the long term effects are going to be. I look like one of those old folks though, having to fill their pill box up for the week. I'm interested on how my new ADD medication will work. Hey, maybe I'll finally get to finish a book. Any suggestions?.....

Just me in an empty room...

It's weird what goes through your head when it's just you alone with your thoughts. Sometimes it brings peace and tranquility. Sometimes it brings chaos. No rhyme or reason to when and why.

For me, downtime breeds trouble. That's when thoughts and images play through my mind on a loop until I can summon up the power to confront what the issue is. If I can calm my mind, there's nothing quite like the peaceful quiet that follows. Time seems to stop and breathing is easier. How do I remain in this state? How does anyone?...

Fine line....

Earlier today I wrote something very deep, honest and personal. It made me feel a lot better and a weight quickly lifted off of my chest. Writing is like therapy for me right now. Before I posted it I re-read it and thought "this might be a little too much right now." I may put it up at some point but I guess I have to find out where to walk that fine line. I usually don't have a filter and everything is fair game. Those who know me would definitely back me up on that.

Maybe it's knowing people I know read this and I don't want to be judged on what I did or how I felt in the past. I'm making steps to grow as a man, father, and overall better person. Maybe I don't want to rehash old feelings. Whatever it is, it made me feel better at the time and hopefully at some point I can share it.

What's the next step?..

I'm sitting at work doing what I always do at work, trying to waste 8 hours until it's time to wake up the kids and pass out medication. I'm better than this. I should be doing something challenging. It's easy to stay down and depressed when your in a rut and not trying to fight your way out of it. 

So what's the next step? Well, there's circumstances I need to weigh before taking it. I don't want my daughter in daycare right now so I need to make sure my hours work with my girlfriend's. I also need to make sure I'm ready. If I'm not ready, I'm going to get overwhelmed and do what I usually do, quit. I don't get overwhelmed from the work, I actually like challenging myself. It's hard to explain. I hate new social situations and I hate feeling anxious and getting panic attacks. I know whatever it is I can do it, just tell my brain that...

Not again...

It's the first time in a long time I don't feel like getting out of bed and doing anything. It's like a force is holding me down. Before, I would question myself and ask "why am I being so lazy? What's wrong with me?" I now know there's days where I'm going to be depressed and depressed for no reason. On a larger scale, I have nothing to worry about today or be down about. I just feel like something is looming and things will probably go wrong if I do get up. 

I know myself and I usually would call out of work, tell my loved ones I'm sick and try not to bother me and stay in bed. I'm not trying to do things I'd usually would do. Like in my previous post, I'm trying to change my thought process. I'm going to try to power through it and if things go wrong so be it. At least I changed my normal destructive ways and got up...

Change in thought process...

For as long as I can remember I've done just enough to get by. Most people would hear "you can't do that" and would prove them wrong. I hear it and think "oh yeah? Well I won't then!" I don't know if it's a fear of failure or even a fear of success. I just know if I don't try, it's not me who screwed it up.

I don't know if this is environmental or an effect of my bipolar. Either way, it needs to stop. I'm 30 and I don't feel like I've accomplished much. I have a decent amount of stuff I'm taking on currently and I'm hoping and wanting to fulfill my obligations. I just need to change my thought process. I want to finish what I started. I always have or I wouldn't have taken the tasks on. I don't have an explanation for it other than sometimes I act on impulse. I'm not sure exactly how to stop it but I am fully aware of it and that's a start...

Can I get a do over?

I wrote a post a couple days ago and mentioned how I was misdiagnosed and because of that I felt like I struggled in school. I used to skip class to get out of oral reports. I'd rather take an F than face my anxiety speaking in front of my peers. I was extremely unorganized and had to chip through chaos to finish anything, especially during my manic phase. Because of my ADD, I've finished one book in my life (Bo knows Bo, story of Bo Jackson). I did however do alright on book reports because I learned how to bullshit my way through at an early age. 

I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses but bipolar is something you can't fix on your own. I feel short changed because I could have done a lot more with myself. I won awards, placed in special programs, was placed in advanced classes, and won scholarships but my grades rapidly decreased around 14-15 yrs old. I barely made it through high school and dropped out of college after my first year. I'm in a good place now and wouldn't change what I have, which is a wonderful family. Maybe it's time to take a leap of faith and start school over again...

Where has my self esteem been?

It's pretty simple really. When I'm in my manic state I feel good and good about myself. When I'm depressed, I don't. That's why I think I've been in a prolonged bout with depression this time around. I'm not talking about depressed to the point where I can't get out of bed. That's what my meds are for, to prevent those low lows and high highs. But it's just enough where I'm not myself. 

I mentioned before how my last meds made me put on 40 lbs. in a short amount of time. I haven't been able to do anything with it. Never mind the fact that it feels like I woke up one day and I'm balding and half my hair/beard is gray. Getting old sucks. 

I'm finally taking a step to do something about it. I'm participating in a month to month contest with a couple of friends to see who can lose the most weight. I can't tell you how much I need this. I excel in competition. Even if I lose, it's the right thing to do. I need to get back to being healthy and picking my self esteem out of the trash pile...

A little something for our Troops..

I remember 9/11 like it was yesterday. My son was 4 months old. I had the morning off from work due to a doctor's appointment. We got home put on the TV and just wept at what we saw. I questioned myself about bringing a child into this world because that's what I do, I question everything.

I woke up at 2:45 am to a report that troops have killed Osama bin Laden. For the war or against it, we should all feel a little bit safer today. Thank you to all who have served for the good guys and a special thanks to those who gave their lives. Justice was served......

What Stress?...

Today was one of my worst days since I've been on my new meds. My anxiety level was somewhere around 12 on a 1-10 scale. Once again it was another Sunday where I spent most of the day trying to get in touch with my son's mom to see if she's going to be there and once again she finally calls after we were already supposed to meet. Even worse, this week I needed to bring my 6 month old since my girlfriend/her mom had a wake to go to. The ride back was me trying to calm her down and feeling horrible because she was in the car so long. It keeps going... Somehow I forget I have no cash on me so when I hit the tolls at the Tobin Bridge in Boston I get a nice little fine. 

It all seemed to go away though and a miserable day turned joyous when the wee one tried to crawl. She was up on her hands and knees but could only push herself backwards. It was all she needed to do to turn my day around...

Sundays Suck....

For most, Sundays are a day of rest and relaxation with maybe some yardwork or other chores sprinkled in. Around my way people also refer to it as "Sunday Funday" where it's pretty much another day of drinking. Sunday is anything but fun for me. It's a day filled with anxiety and counting down the clock because I have to return my son home to his mom. I know it's no way to live life being stressed all day, and it definitely is unfair to my son but at times I just can't help it. Don't get me wrong, we always have a good time together and I love having him as much as I can, but it's just tough that no matter what we are doing I can't fully enjoy it when I have to check the clock every few minutes.

Well, I was just getting that out with the hopes it will help me feel better. I'm going to get back to enjoying time with my kids before I have to bring my son home...