What did I do?!

Maybe it's just the way I react to things or maybe it has something to do with my disorder, but I've always reacted to a "Hey, come here" with a "What the hell did I do wrong?" As my mind races back and forth to try to figure it out, the person just wants to show me something or have a conversation. It's 10 seconds I go from being filled with panic to extremely relieved. The thing is 99.9% of the time I haven't done anything to warrant a "what did I do?" or that feeling of panic. 

With all the talks with doctors and the meds that I'm on, which are working for numerous things, I can't pinpoint why I respond this way. Maybe it's because I prepare how every conversation I could have with someone might go, to avoid conflict of course. Maybe I don't feel like I'm in control and don't want to be caught off guard. Whatever the reason may be, I hope I get to the bottom of it soon. Although I'm doing a lot better, those 10 seconds of panic are tough to handle! It's one of the worst anxieties/panic attacks that I get and I can't find a reasonable answer to why I get them.

(Un)Healthy Obessions...

Healthy obsession...
Is there such a thing? I get obsessed with new things quite easily but know they are going to wear off quickly. Whether it's a healthy one, like exercising or volunteer work, or bad, too many to list. 

Recently, as you know if you've been reading my blog, I started a sports podcast to overcome some of my anxieties, plus I'm passionate about sports. I feel it's going well and we started a fan page on facebook. We are getting good feedback and I'm slowly becoming obsessed to get more involved and to see where this takes us. I know it's a dream of my friend's who I'm doing the show with to do something like this for a living. I never thought about it before but if I could have a job talking about sports and get paid for it, well that sounds like a dream job to me. Hopefully this obsession opens doors and maybe one day in the distant future that dream will be reached. 

I know it's a long shot and I've never "stuck" with anything I started (another issue I'm trying to overcome) but I've always have been passionate about sports. Whether playing or following it, it's been a constant in my life...

For some reason I can't link the facebook fan page but it's The Bicoastal Sports Show if you're interested. Here's the URL at least to cut and paste:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Bicoastal-Sports-Show/215229118501786

My Apologies...

I will never apologize for the disorders I have and what I've been through with them, but I can apologize for my actions that affected other people. I'm still not sure if the things I have done was because of my disorders. All I know is I am more mature now, receiving treatment and I'm on the right path. It's only been a short time but the right path nonetheless. 

I'm sorry for: being too depressed to get out of bed and go to school, work, see friends and family. For self medicating to the point I was drunk most days. For driving under the influence at times, showing up to my sister's graduation late and hung over, having to have people take care of me when I couldn't. For cutting myself and scaring my family, breaking curfew, running away for days. For ruining friendships, burning bridges at jobs, and blowing people off. For believing lies others told me that affected my actions and feelings towards others. For when I was manic, blowing my rent and money for bills on things I don't even remember. For embarrassing friends and family for my lack of filter on my mouth. 

I know I haven't covered everything but these are the things that I dwell on and bother me the most. I also apologize to myself for not reaching my potential and giving up on myself. I plan on picking myself up and becoming a late bloomer. Better late than never...

A small victory, but a victory none the less...

There's a cycle I get in where I get out of shape, lose motivation and hate my body. I was actually doing well, in o.k. shape and feeling good about myself. Just everything else in my life at the time wasn't right. I was prescribed meds to try to fix that. It did it's job but I put on 40 lbs in about 2 months so I stopped taking them. I went from 196 to 236 in what seemed like over night. Over the next year I stayed right around the same, weighing in at 241 at my heaviest. When I got to this point I wanted to lose weight obviously but was so down on myself I'd give up almost immediately and tell myself "this is what I am."

One day I just decided enough already. I went to a new dr. and let her know everything, I mean everything that was bothering me. I got on the right medication and a switch flipped in my brain. It feels like someone found a lose wire and fixed it. This kind of jump started me back into trying to get healthy. I'm not doing anything super drastic. Just exercising a bit 3x a week and eating a bit better with smaller portions. I've joined a monthly weight loss contest with a few friends to stay motivated. Wanting to get healthy for my wonderful son, daughter, and girlfriend is pretty good motivation too. Tomorrow when I way in, it will be the first time I'm in the 220s in at least a year. It's a small step in the right direction, but I believe it was the hardest for me to take. I have a long way to go but feel I got over that small hump that I couldn't get by before. I have no intentions of stopping...

Putting myself in a hole again..

When I wasn't working for about a year I felt like I had to do something. I was on a roller-coaster between my manic and depressive stages. Like I said before, when manic I make very poor decisions, including financial decisions. Since I had nothing else going on I decided to go to a trade school to be an electrician. 

I started off doing excellent. I finished the first module with a 4.0. I then had a breakdown and ended up in the hospital. I was away from school for about 2 weeks. Once I got out of the hospital I had a lot of anxiety about facing teachers and my peers to tell them what happened. I continued for a bit and was still doing well, only to find out I'd have to start almost from the beginning because I missed a lot of time. 

I decided this would be too much for me to handle at that time. I am now on the hook for all of the tuition. Now that I'm in the right frame of mind I feel almost like I shouldn't be at fault for this or owe anything past the time I left. I don't know how to pursue this but I'm going to look into it...

It's not her fault...

I recently came across someone I know who was just diagnosed with Aspergers, a form of autism. I'm going to keep this person anonymous, so I'll say it's a young woman named Sue.

Sue wanted to let everyone know that it was this disorder that made her act a certain way and it wasn't her fault she did "those" things. It seemed like she finally had some answers to why she felt awkward and behaved in ways she couldn't help. I thought she was very brave and it was thoughtful of her to come forward and explain this very personal part about herself.

She also told me she was upset/mad that she got this disorder and didn't quite understand that it doesn't get passed like a cold or a flu, that it's just something you're born with. Sue also told me stories of  kids at
school, even teachers mistreated her and if they knew she had Aspergers that maybe they would have been nicer. She even remembers her kindergarten teacher losing her temper on her. I thought that was very telling that she could remember being handled like this by an adult all those years ago and still becoming upset about it.

Sue called her old teachers and classmates she still had the numbers to and informed them of what her issue at school was. She said to them that she wished they could have been nicer and more understanding at the time. Some teachers responded with "I thought something was up. I'm sorry and good luck."

The responses from the teachers bothered me to no end! If you think a child could have any type of condition then it needs to be reported. My guess is that they were lazy and didn't want to do extra paper work or make an extra curriculum for one student. Or perhaps, it was the school system not wanting to dish out any extra money to invest in her individual education plan. I commend almost all teachers on their work, but someone dropped the ball here. Sue should have been diagnosed and got the help she needed in school, not years later when she's out of it and too old to receive school funding...

Disorders and Sports

As you may remember from one of my previous posts, I started a sports podcast with a friend of mine. The reasons behind this was A) I love sports and B) To help me try and conquer my social anxiety. In the latest one we just did we started talking about Zack Greinke, an ace pitcher currently with the Milwaukee Brewers. I almost forgot that a few years ago he was placed on the disabled list (d.l.) for social anxiety and depression. He has made tremendous strides and is now a premier pitcher in all of Major League Baseball.

I remember when he was with the Kansas City Royals and placed on the d.l. in 2006. There was a lot of rumbles about how he was a "soft" player. Another rumor was that he was "afraid to pitch" because he was coming off a bad year in 2005. I guess you're not allowed to have any personal issues as a professional ball player or at least that's how some people perceive it.

Greinke stepped away from baseball for seven months in 2006 to receive treatment for his disorders. He came back as the pitcher everyone thought he was going to be. He won the highest award for a pitcher, the Cy Young award, in 2009. It appears he is doing really well and I hope he remains on the top of his game.

I commend Greinke for coming forward and shedding a spotlight on this. Since you can't physically see what is going on with someone who has depression or anxiety in an X-ray or MRI, people with it get labeled as soft, lazy, or "faking" it. It must have been tough on him, especially since he gets paid a lot of money to play a kids game and isn't "supposed" to be unhappy (another false notion about someone with depression/social anxiety.) I wish him nothing but the best and hope he continues to succeed except on those days he plays the Red Sox. I won't have to worry much as long as he stays in the National League.

Here's a link to the podcast. It's show #2 and we talk about Greinke towards the end...
The Bicoastal Sports Show

Here's a link to an article on what Greinke went through...
Greinke and social anxiety disorder

The kids, the kids...

This week my routine has been the same. I haven't changed anything but for some reason I'm missing the kids extra hard today! I'm getting my son later on (read weekend dad) and there's no better feeling seeing my daughter realizing her brother is around. She lights up and it makes my day. 

I work weird hours and I try to sleep during the day. My daughter is growing up so fast, I'm afraid I'm going to miss a milestone. I feel guilty at times trying to get rest knowing my family is up. I know I need my rest but I can be spending time with them or helping out around the house. It's starting to get to the point where I can't fall asleep because I'm putting an internal time clock on it so I can spend time with them. If I know I have to be up in 5 hours it's almost like my body feels the pressure of having to fall asleep quickly. God, I'm a weirdo haha.....

Where's my skittles?

After today, I have so many meds  I joke that it's like a bag of candy, i.e. skittles. I went to my doctor today and for the first time we are addressing my ADD and anxiety disorder. Not sure why I haven't in the pass. Maybe I don't want to admit I'm such a "mess." I also felt like I didn't want the doctor thinking I was seeking drugs even though I have valid issues.

I'm not sure how I feel about having to take medication for the rest of my life. I know it's going to help me now but who knows what the long term effects are going to be. I look like one of those old folks though, having to fill their pill box up for the week. I'm interested on how my new ADD medication will work. Hey, maybe I'll finally get to finish a book. Any suggestions?.....

Just me in an empty room...

It's weird what goes through your head when it's just you alone with your thoughts. Sometimes it brings peace and tranquility. Sometimes it brings chaos. No rhyme or reason to when and why.

For me, downtime breeds trouble. That's when thoughts and images play through my mind on a loop until I can summon up the power to confront what the issue is. If I can calm my mind, there's nothing quite like the peaceful quiet that follows. Time seems to stop and breathing is easier. How do I remain in this state? How does anyone?...

Fine line....

Earlier today I wrote something very deep, honest and personal. It made me feel a lot better and a weight quickly lifted off of my chest. Writing is like therapy for me right now. Before I posted it I re-read it and thought "this might be a little too much right now." I may put it up at some point but I guess I have to find out where to walk that fine line. I usually don't have a filter and everything is fair game. Those who know me would definitely back me up on that.

Maybe it's knowing people I know read this and I don't want to be judged on what I did or how I felt in the past. I'm making steps to grow as a man, father, and overall better person. Maybe I don't want to rehash old feelings. Whatever it is, it made me feel better at the time and hopefully at some point I can share it.

What's the next step?..

I'm sitting at work doing what I always do at work, trying to waste 8 hours until it's time to wake up the kids and pass out medication. I'm better than this. I should be doing something challenging. It's easy to stay down and depressed when your in a rut and not trying to fight your way out of it. 

So what's the next step? Well, there's circumstances I need to weigh before taking it. I don't want my daughter in daycare right now so I need to make sure my hours work with my girlfriend's. I also need to make sure I'm ready. If I'm not ready, I'm going to get overwhelmed and do what I usually do, quit. I don't get overwhelmed from the work, I actually like challenging myself. It's hard to explain. I hate new social situations and I hate feeling anxious and getting panic attacks. I know whatever it is I can do it, just tell my brain that...

Not again...

It's the first time in a long time I don't feel like getting out of bed and doing anything. It's like a force is holding me down. Before, I would question myself and ask "why am I being so lazy? What's wrong with me?" I now know there's days where I'm going to be depressed and depressed for no reason. On a larger scale, I have nothing to worry about today or be down about. I just feel like something is looming and things will probably go wrong if I do get up. 

I know myself and I usually would call out of work, tell my loved ones I'm sick and try not to bother me and stay in bed. I'm not trying to do things I'd usually would do. Like in my previous post, I'm trying to change my thought process. I'm going to try to power through it and if things go wrong so be it. At least I changed my normal destructive ways and got up...

Change in thought process...

For as long as I can remember I've done just enough to get by. Most people would hear "you can't do that" and would prove them wrong. I hear it and think "oh yeah? Well I won't then!" I don't know if it's a fear of failure or even a fear of success. I just know if I don't try, it's not me who screwed it up.

I don't know if this is environmental or an effect of my bipolar. Either way, it needs to stop. I'm 30 and I don't feel like I've accomplished much. I have a decent amount of stuff I'm taking on currently and I'm hoping and wanting to fulfill my obligations. I just need to change my thought process. I want to finish what I started. I always have or I wouldn't have taken the tasks on. I don't have an explanation for it other than sometimes I act on impulse. I'm not sure exactly how to stop it but I am fully aware of it and that's a start...

Can I get a do over?

I wrote a post a couple days ago and mentioned how I was misdiagnosed and because of that I felt like I struggled in school. I used to skip class to get out of oral reports. I'd rather take an F than face my anxiety speaking in front of my peers. I was extremely unorganized and had to chip through chaos to finish anything, especially during my manic phase. Because of my ADD, I've finished one book in my life (Bo knows Bo, story of Bo Jackson). I did however do alright on book reports because I learned how to bullshit my way through at an early age. 

I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses but bipolar is something you can't fix on your own. I feel short changed because I could have done a lot more with myself. I won awards, placed in special programs, was placed in advanced classes, and won scholarships but my grades rapidly decreased around 14-15 yrs old. I barely made it through high school and dropped out of college after my first year. I'm in a good place now and wouldn't change what I have, which is a wonderful family. Maybe it's time to take a leap of faith and start school over again...

Where has my self esteem been?

It's pretty simple really. When I'm in my manic state I feel good and good about myself. When I'm depressed, I don't. That's why I think I've been in a prolonged bout with depression this time around. I'm not talking about depressed to the point where I can't get out of bed. That's what my meds are for, to prevent those low lows and high highs. But it's just enough where I'm not myself. 

I mentioned before how my last meds made me put on 40 lbs. in a short amount of time. I haven't been able to do anything with it. Never mind the fact that it feels like I woke up one day and I'm balding and half my hair/beard is gray. Getting old sucks. 

I'm finally taking a step to do something about it. I'm participating in a month to month contest with a couple of friends to see who can lose the most weight. I can't tell you how much I need this. I excel in competition. Even if I lose, it's the right thing to do. I need to get back to being healthy and picking my self esteem out of the trash pile...

A little something for our Troops..

I remember 9/11 like it was yesterday. My son was 4 months old. I had the morning off from work due to a doctor's appointment. We got home put on the TV and just wept at what we saw. I questioned myself about bringing a child into this world because that's what I do, I question everything.

I woke up at 2:45 am to a report that troops have killed Osama bin Laden. For the war or against it, we should all feel a little bit safer today. Thank you to all who have served for the good guys and a special thanks to those who gave their lives. Justice was served......

What Stress?...

Today was one of my worst days since I've been on my new meds. My anxiety level was somewhere around 12 on a 1-10 scale. Once again it was another Sunday where I spent most of the day trying to get in touch with my son's mom to see if she's going to be there and once again she finally calls after we were already supposed to meet. Even worse, this week I needed to bring my 6 month old since my girlfriend/her mom had a wake to go to. The ride back was me trying to calm her down and feeling horrible because she was in the car so long. It keeps going... Somehow I forget I have no cash on me so when I hit the tolls at the Tobin Bridge in Boston I get a nice little fine. 

It all seemed to go away though and a miserable day turned joyous when the wee one tried to crawl. She was up on her hands and knees but could only push herself backwards. It was all she needed to do to turn my day around...

Sundays Suck....

For most, Sundays are a day of rest and relaxation with maybe some yardwork or other chores sprinkled in. Around my way people also refer to it as "Sunday Funday" where it's pretty much another day of drinking. Sunday is anything but fun for me. It's a day filled with anxiety and counting down the clock because I have to return my son home to his mom. I know it's no way to live life being stressed all day, and it definitely is unfair to my son but at times I just can't help it. Don't get me wrong, we always have a good time together and I love having him as much as I can, but it's just tough that no matter what we are doing I can't fully enjoy it when I have to check the clock every few minutes.

Well, I was just getting that out with the hopes it will help me feel better. I'm going to get back to enjoying time with my kids before I have to bring my son home...

Bipolar in Hollywood

Recently bipolar came to the forefront of gossip news when Catherine Zeta-Jones came forward and announced she is getting treatment for Bipolar II disorder. I wasn't sure what I thought at first because I have no feelings toward Zeta-Jones one way or another. I think I've seen her in only one or two movies that I can't remember the names of but I do admit she brings a lot of class to a profession that's been lacking in that category lately.

After reading a few articles about her situation I definitely feel for her and her family. Obviously everyone who has this "illness" has different symptoms but I can relate to a lot of what she is going through. It also brought to my attention that there is 6 million people who suffer from this. I feel a little less abnormal now even though in my circle of people I feel like the only "crazy one"....

Here's a link to an article about what she is going through.....

Article about Zeta-Jones and bipolar

Being a Dad with Bipolar

I have two wonderful kids, a 10 year old son and a 6 month old daughter. I couldn't ask for two better kids and they are the loves of my life. Above all, I consider myself a Dad first and any and everything else a distant second. 
When I became the "weekend dad" to my son it destroyed me. A lot of my time after my divorce I was extremely depressed. Not because of the divorce, I was young and to be honest, it wasn't a very healthy relationship. I was depressed because my life was uprooted and my little daddy's boy wasn't able to have his Dad around. 
When I'm feeling depressed, I like to hide out from the world and not be around anyone. I had a routine down to the second of when I had to get out of bed to make it to work on time. It's hard knowing I can't get up but I have to anyways to see my son. The guilt is crippling, especially when I did take the easy way out and called him up to tell him I was sick and can't see him. Try to hide the tears when you hear his voice, broken-hearted, tell you "that's ok Dad." 
When I'm in my manic phase I had no issues at all seeing my son but I didn't always make the right choices. I would never put my son in harm's way but I would spend money I didn't have, keep him out later than I should, and even give him an extra dessert or three. Doesn't seem like much until the cycle of guilt comes back. 
I'm doing well and getting treatment now. I have great relationship with my son and going through what I went through with him taught me a lot about having to care for myself before I can take care of others. I feel that I won't make the same mistakes with my daughter and I'll just continue to grow as a great Dad....

One fear conquered....for now

In my last post I was talking about how I was going to try to overcome a few of my fears, public speaking and social anxiety. I started a podcast about sports with a friend and thought it went really well! I wasn't all that nervous but some of the things I was worried about did happen. Listening back to it I noticed I said umm and paused a lot. I lost my train of thought a few times as well.

But you know what, it's ok. I enjoyed myself. I love talking sports but I'm not a professional at it. Maybe if I could get through some of these issues, one day I might pursue it. For the first episode, I thought we did really well and I think I'm going to continue it.

I'm glad I took that step. A few times throughout the day I tried talking myself out of it with made up excuses. I didn't and I feel a lot better about myself for sticking with it. It was one small step but you have to start somewhere....

Here's the link to the podcast and my friend who I did the show with's blog (if you click on the podcast it's the one labeled "Bicoastal Sports")

http://blogtalkradio.com/kevincharity

kevincharity.blogspot.com

Right Foot Forward.....

Today I'm looking my social anxiety right in the face and trying to conquer it. At least for the time being. My life outside work and family is sports, playing sports, watching sports, and more sports. Growing up around Boston in the 80s and 90s, how can I not be!

A buddy of mine and I are starting a podcast about sports and today is our first go at it. He lives in San Diego so it's going to be sports takes from each coast. I think it's a great concept but I still have fears going into it.

I'm nervous that I'm going to say "like" and "umm" a lot, which I know I will. I don't want to come off sounding unintelligent (Me no smart.) I'm also on no sleep for the third day in a row. Even though I feel this way I'm extremely excited and looking forward to it. I'll post the link at some point....

Music over booze...

We all try to cope with our issues and where I'm from, it's pretty much a given that you're going to drink or drug your bad feelings away. You cannot throw a rock without hitting a bar or a liquor store. Anything you need to self medicate was easily acquired, and I found that out by 13.

I "self medicated" a lot. Like I said on a previous post, I was misdiagnosed as depressed, but even that didn't happen until I was 16. I knew by 12 something was wrong. I did what I could to release the stress. I cut, I drank, I smoked the illegal stuff. 

My drinking got out of hand where I'd black out at least once a week. 

I'm at a point where I could care less about any of that garbage. I found something that helps medicate me without destroying me. Of course, having a good core of people around me helps. And of course having a 6 month old will surely put your life in order. I found that just listening to meaningful music that relates to my life is the way to go. I'm not talking about that throw up over a beat or guitar riff you hear on the radio. I'm talking underground rap to hardcore to classical and everything in between. 

Lately I've been stuck on Cage, El-P, Downset and old Pantera. Anything with meaning really. I'm looking for suggestions please. If you have an artist that hits you hard or a song that does the same, leave it in a comment. I gotta keep music over booze......

Doing what it takes....

I wasn't really sure what I was going to write about tonight but the way my day went kind of dictated it. 

Currently I work overnights at an autistic residential. I took this shift for 2 reasons, because it works out that the baby can stay home and not go into daycare right now. Also, there are no social situations, it's just me on the floor. No social settings equal no awkward social moments for me.

 I'm learning that these hours are slowly killing me. I barely sleep and the sleep I do get is not the same if my hours were reversed and I worked days. I have to pump garbage into my body to stay awake and 8 out of 10 days I'm mistaken for a zombie. I'm willing to do whatever it takes as a man to support my family but I can't help but wonder how many years I'm throwing away on the back end by living like this....

If you're happy and you know it....

I believe I (and a lot of others as well) go untreated for so long because the only symptoms that get recognized up front are the depression parts of it. I am now very conscious of when I cycle between manic and depression but previously just assumed "oh this week I'm being crazy" and play off the fun and impulsive aspect of it. I used to only seek help when I felt extremely depressed, most of the time I didn't even know what for. But the manic side of it is just as, if not more self destructive as the depression side. I can trace back my debt and horrible credit to my manic episodes. Memories of being in these phases are extremely cloudy because there are times you are doing things you know you shouldn't be doing before your brain can even compute what is happening. I relate it to a drunken blackout. 

I feel blessed that the worst didn't happen before I found treatment, but I do regret not being diagnosed at an earlier age. I could have accomplished more in school. I was in all advanced classes and received a free ride to a great private high school in my area that I did not accept because, frankly, I was scared. Being told over and over that I wasn't meeting my potential and I was just plain lazy didn't make me want to succeed or try any harder. It has been a struggle and not finishing school did lead to a period of a stressful paycheck to paycheck type life for a bit. But we all make do with what we have and I have a great family that is beyond a hefty paycheck. I am truly wealthy.....

Are we there yet?....

It's only been a few days but when I started this I had no idea what I was doing or where this was headed. It was just to pass time at a job with a boatload of down time and get these crazy thoughts on paper. But I think it's headed to a place that has more substance. I don't want to call myself an advocate for people with mental disorders/issues, but to help shed the stigma and myths that go along with them. I'm not irresponsible, lazy, careless, heartless, crazy, unfocused, forgetful, among other wonderful things. I have issues I'm working on and trying to grow as a man/father/boyfriend(hopefully husband) and get over a hump that sometimes hinders my growth. We're all a work in progress. Where are you at?.....

It's what I do...

I've worked with kids since I was 18 and the last 9 years (on and off. Mostly on) I've worked in special ed, predominantly in a residential setting. If you've read some of these kids files, it would bring you to tears. What they've been through and how they're able to cope and move on amazes me. Kind of puts everything in perspective for me. Knowing that I've played a part in helping those kids achieve their goals and make progress is a feeling that can't be expressed in written word. 
It's funny how people who have been through similar issues tend to end up working in the field and reaching out to help. I've come across many that I've worked with and it seems like everyone comes from less than spectacular circumstances and started solely to help out a kid similar to them. I may not make a lot of money and yes I get burned out at my place every once in awhile and YES I do bitch about my job. A lot. Couldn't picture myself doing anything else though.......

What if.....

Everyone asks the question what if this..? what if that..? It's human nature. I don't know what causes me to ask the most ridiculous "what if" questions. What if my car blows up and I'm stuck in it, what if my son gets kidnapped, what if I run into bin Laden? They are innocent enough except for the fact that I play out each and every scenario in my head and it's beyond time consuming. It's to the point where I can't concentrate on important things. 
And speaking of playing out things in my head, have you ever been in a conversation and afterwards thought "I should have said this instead!?" For the last few years I've been doing that going into a conversation. If I know what I'm bringing to the table I'll think of each and every response you could come up with and play it out. It can be a useful tool but it's mostly so I don't have to face confrontation. If the worst was already played out in my head, whatever the reality is can't be any worse. I'm sure it'd be a trip if someone caught me having a conversation with myself though....

You call it hospital, I call it vacation

I've been hospitalized twice in my life due to my disorder and what was labeled suicidal ideation. The 1st I can't even remember, probably because I didn't get proper treatment or heal any of my issues. The 2nd was an awakening, almost vacation-esque.

I was transferred from where I started to a much better facility. It was the first time in a long time I was told it was ok and I could actually breathe and rest. This is where I did a lot of treatment and was properly diagnosed as Bipolar, ADD, and a slight form of OCD. Immediately I thought "wow, I'm pretty fucked up!" but I'm learning to embrace it and live with it. The initial plan was to treat the bipolar first. Lithium was prescribed and all was well for a bit. 

Self esteem fluctuates as much as my moods and I've never felt "great" in my skin. I was getting happy with my body. It was the first time in 6 years I was below the 200 lbs. (Mendoza line for my baseball people.) Well, I guess a teeny tiny side effect of lithium is "may cause increase in weight." Understatement of the century. It's not like I was eating like a horse, but in 3 months I put on 40 lbs!! Yup, you read that right. Self esteem schmelf esteem, I have none left...... I'm down a few pounds now and starting Monday, I found a good group of guys that are starting a version of "Biggest Loser." I've always thrived with competition and hopefully this will be the kick in the ass I need....

Dream Weaver

I never understood any of my dreams or really looked into them. In fact I barely remember any, Except for one, when I was around 10 which I remember parts of vividly. 

I'm tied up by a pack of giant intelligent bees who are constantly buzzing by my head and randomly stinging me. Their leader enters. She is bigger than anything I've seen. She flies over my face and stretches out her enormous stinger. At a snail's pace, almost slow motion in fact, she lowers down towards my eye. Right before the stinger enters my pupil, in a cold sweat, I wake up terrified. 
Fucked up? I think so. I had this same dream at least a dozen times, then never again. I still wonder what the hell this could mean. I know it adds, possibly started my adult irrational fear of getting a paper cut in my eye.....

The Dreadful Title of Weekend Dad

Week end dad- I don't want you to think that everything in my life is miserable. It just comes off that way as I'm venting. I have a wonderful family and a girl who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. My baby girl is 6 months old and always puts a smile on my face. My son is almost 10 and I can't believe how fast he's growing up! Since he was 3 I became the weekend dad because his mom took a metaphorical shit all over me and the courts might as well applauded her.
My week goes like this as a weekend dad- The week is pretty much filled with anxiety throughout but Mon and Tue are pretty calm as long as I get to talk to him on the phone which has been less and less lately. Wed my stress starts to amp up. I always have to "check in" with his mom to make sure he's going to be at school on Fri so I can pick him up. (if you knew her track record you'd understand why I have to check in with her.) Thu. I prepare myself for the hour and a half ride on 3 hours of sleep (due to work) that I have to take on Fri to get him. Fri is getting him home and "fixing" him up. Somehow his Mom forgets to have him keep up with daily living skills for him during the week. Soon as he's ready for bed, I crash. Sat we can actually enjoy ourselves as a family. Sun, we both know he has to go home later in the day and we both get pretty bummed out about it. I drop him off. The guilt starts and the anxiety cycle is right back to where it started. You know what though? I'd do whatever it takes to see my little man!

My Mania

It took them awhile to diagnose me as bipolar, which is/was better known as manic depressive. Can't speak for others but in my manic stage I feel like Parker Lewis, I can't lose. It feels like every move is the right move. Your self esteem is maxed out. Every line you say gets a laugh and (when single) every girl at the bar looked at you a little different (in a good way.) You're constantly, and I hate to use a played out line from Charlie Sheen, but you're winning! You do whatever you can to stay in this phase. The only time I like being in a social setting, and don't feel awkward and enept, is in this manic state.

There obviously is a downside or this wouldn't be a "mental illness." I think there's a stigma where people misinterpret mania for irresponsibility. Picture every decision you make, every inkling of your body says "don't" but you're doing it anyway before you even realize it. You spend money you don't have on good times with so called friends. You drink away your car payment and snort your rent for the month. That's nothing until you become "ok" again and what you've done meets real life consequences. For me, that's when the back breaking loads of guilt and thoughts of self hate and destruction come in. But that's a whole different blog for a different day....

"Friends, how many of us have them?"

Not just a song by Whodini, but almost a way of life the past few years. I don't know what internal struggles I go through that makes me disappear from the Earth from anywhere from days to a full year. Try maintaining a friendship when you just don't want to deal with anybody or anything. Thank God there's one, maybe two of my old friends that just don't care that I hide out and we can talk to each other like we've hung out for the past ten years.
I'm in the best relationship I've ever been in though, and couldn't think of anyone I'd rather spend every breathe with. I do feel like once that day comes, and it will be soon, that it's going to be "I Love You Man 2" and I have to find a wedding party off the street including a best man. I guess I'll cross then burn that friendship bridge when we get there. Can't continue to stress about things that aren't solidified in the future. But if there was a field in that, I'd be tops in my profession.

Let's begin

I'm pretty much starting this blog to come forth and speak about what and how I feel about being bipolar, along with many of my interests. I've always hated being on meds and been on them as far back as 16 yrs old when I was misdiagnosed as depressed. But after being hospitalized on 2 separate occasions and years of self medication (drinking, drugging, cutting) I realize that all meds could do is help(hopefully)! You might read this and say, shit he shares too much, but hey, it's an outlet to get things out and cope, just like everyone is looking to do. If it can help someone else out there then that's a bonus!
My newest fear and slight obsession is that my son, who is soon to be 10, is going to go through the same mental and emotional struggles that I did/do. I'll fill you in later on some of the things he (and I) have been through with his mom. I'm obviously going to leave names out. Hope you enjoy this bumpy road. I have no idea where it may lead.