Bipolar in Hollywood

Recently bipolar came to the forefront of gossip news when Catherine Zeta-Jones came forward and announced she is getting treatment for Bipolar II disorder. I wasn't sure what I thought at first because I have no feelings toward Zeta-Jones one way or another. I think I've seen her in only one or two movies that I can't remember the names of but I do admit she brings a lot of class to a profession that's been lacking in that category lately.

After reading a few articles about her situation I definitely feel for her and her family. Obviously everyone who has this "illness" has different symptoms but I can relate to a lot of what she is going through. It also brought to my attention that there is 6 million people who suffer from this. I feel a little less abnormal now even though in my circle of people I feel like the only "crazy one"....

Here's a link to an article about what she is going through.....

Article about Zeta-Jones and bipolar

Being a Dad with Bipolar

I have two wonderful kids, a 10 year old son and a 6 month old daughter. I couldn't ask for two better kids and they are the loves of my life. Above all, I consider myself a Dad first and any and everything else a distant second. 
When I became the "weekend dad" to my son it destroyed me. A lot of my time after my divorce I was extremely depressed. Not because of the divorce, I was young and to be honest, it wasn't a very healthy relationship. I was depressed because my life was uprooted and my little daddy's boy wasn't able to have his Dad around. 
When I'm feeling depressed, I like to hide out from the world and not be around anyone. I had a routine down to the second of when I had to get out of bed to make it to work on time. It's hard knowing I can't get up but I have to anyways to see my son. The guilt is crippling, especially when I did take the easy way out and called him up to tell him I was sick and can't see him. Try to hide the tears when you hear his voice, broken-hearted, tell you "that's ok Dad." 
When I'm in my manic phase I had no issues at all seeing my son but I didn't always make the right choices. I would never put my son in harm's way but I would spend money I didn't have, keep him out later than I should, and even give him an extra dessert or three. Doesn't seem like much until the cycle of guilt comes back. 
I'm doing well and getting treatment now. I have great relationship with my son and going through what I went through with him taught me a lot about having to care for myself before I can take care of others. I feel that I won't make the same mistakes with my daughter and I'll just continue to grow as a great Dad....

One fear conquered....for now

In my last post I was talking about how I was going to try to overcome a few of my fears, public speaking and social anxiety. I started a podcast about sports with a friend and thought it went really well! I wasn't all that nervous but some of the things I was worried about did happen. Listening back to it I noticed I said umm and paused a lot. I lost my train of thought a few times as well.

But you know what, it's ok. I enjoyed myself. I love talking sports but I'm not a professional at it. Maybe if I could get through some of these issues, one day I might pursue it. For the first episode, I thought we did really well and I think I'm going to continue it.

I'm glad I took that step. A few times throughout the day I tried talking myself out of it with made up excuses. I didn't and I feel a lot better about myself for sticking with it. It was one small step but you have to start somewhere....

Here's the link to the podcast and my friend who I did the show with's blog (if you click on the podcast it's the one labeled "Bicoastal Sports")

http://blogtalkradio.com/kevincharity

kevincharity.blogspot.com

Right Foot Forward.....

Today I'm looking my social anxiety right in the face and trying to conquer it. At least for the time being. My life outside work and family is sports, playing sports, watching sports, and more sports. Growing up around Boston in the 80s and 90s, how can I not be!

A buddy of mine and I are starting a podcast about sports and today is our first go at it. He lives in San Diego so it's going to be sports takes from each coast. I think it's a great concept but I still have fears going into it.

I'm nervous that I'm going to say "like" and "umm" a lot, which I know I will. I don't want to come off sounding unintelligent (Me no smart.) I'm also on no sleep for the third day in a row. Even though I feel this way I'm extremely excited and looking forward to it. I'll post the link at some point....

Music over booze...

We all try to cope with our issues and where I'm from, it's pretty much a given that you're going to drink or drug your bad feelings away. You cannot throw a rock without hitting a bar or a liquor store. Anything you need to self medicate was easily acquired, and I found that out by 13.

I "self medicated" a lot. Like I said on a previous post, I was misdiagnosed as depressed, but even that didn't happen until I was 16. I knew by 12 something was wrong. I did what I could to release the stress. I cut, I drank, I smoked the illegal stuff. 

My drinking got out of hand where I'd black out at least once a week. 

I'm at a point where I could care less about any of that garbage. I found something that helps medicate me without destroying me. Of course, having a good core of people around me helps. And of course having a 6 month old will surely put your life in order. I found that just listening to meaningful music that relates to my life is the way to go. I'm not talking about that throw up over a beat or guitar riff you hear on the radio. I'm talking underground rap to hardcore to classical and everything in between. 

Lately I've been stuck on Cage, El-P, Downset and old Pantera. Anything with meaning really. I'm looking for suggestions please. If you have an artist that hits you hard or a song that does the same, leave it in a comment. I gotta keep music over booze......

Doing what it takes....

I wasn't really sure what I was going to write about tonight but the way my day went kind of dictated it. 

Currently I work overnights at an autistic residential. I took this shift for 2 reasons, because it works out that the baby can stay home and not go into daycare right now. Also, there are no social situations, it's just me on the floor. No social settings equal no awkward social moments for me.

 I'm learning that these hours are slowly killing me. I barely sleep and the sleep I do get is not the same if my hours were reversed and I worked days. I have to pump garbage into my body to stay awake and 8 out of 10 days I'm mistaken for a zombie. I'm willing to do whatever it takes as a man to support my family but I can't help but wonder how many years I'm throwing away on the back end by living like this....

If you're happy and you know it....

I believe I (and a lot of others as well) go untreated for so long because the only symptoms that get recognized up front are the depression parts of it. I am now very conscious of when I cycle between manic and depression but previously just assumed "oh this week I'm being crazy" and play off the fun and impulsive aspect of it. I used to only seek help when I felt extremely depressed, most of the time I didn't even know what for. But the manic side of it is just as, if not more self destructive as the depression side. I can trace back my debt and horrible credit to my manic episodes. Memories of being in these phases are extremely cloudy because there are times you are doing things you know you shouldn't be doing before your brain can even compute what is happening. I relate it to a drunken blackout. 

I feel blessed that the worst didn't happen before I found treatment, but I do regret not being diagnosed at an earlier age. I could have accomplished more in school. I was in all advanced classes and received a free ride to a great private high school in my area that I did not accept because, frankly, I was scared. Being told over and over that I wasn't meeting my potential and I was just plain lazy didn't make me want to succeed or try any harder. It has been a struggle and not finishing school did lead to a period of a stressful paycheck to paycheck type life for a bit. But we all make do with what we have and I have a great family that is beyond a hefty paycheck. I am truly wealthy.....

Are we there yet?....

It's only been a few days but when I started this I had no idea what I was doing or where this was headed. It was just to pass time at a job with a boatload of down time and get these crazy thoughts on paper. But I think it's headed to a place that has more substance. I don't want to call myself an advocate for people with mental disorders/issues, but to help shed the stigma and myths that go along with them. I'm not irresponsible, lazy, careless, heartless, crazy, unfocused, forgetful, among other wonderful things. I have issues I'm working on and trying to grow as a man/father/boyfriend(hopefully husband) and get over a hump that sometimes hinders my growth. We're all a work in progress. Where are you at?.....

It's what I do...

I've worked with kids since I was 18 and the last 9 years (on and off. Mostly on) I've worked in special ed, predominantly in a residential setting. If you've read some of these kids files, it would bring you to tears. What they've been through and how they're able to cope and move on amazes me. Kind of puts everything in perspective for me. Knowing that I've played a part in helping those kids achieve their goals and make progress is a feeling that can't be expressed in written word. 
It's funny how people who have been through similar issues tend to end up working in the field and reaching out to help. I've come across many that I've worked with and it seems like everyone comes from less than spectacular circumstances and started solely to help out a kid similar to them. I may not make a lot of money and yes I get burned out at my place every once in awhile and YES I do bitch about my job. A lot. Couldn't picture myself doing anything else though.......

What if.....

Everyone asks the question what if this..? what if that..? It's human nature. I don't know what causes me to ask the most ridiculous "what if" questions. What if my car blows up and I'm stuck in it, what if my son gets kidnapped, what if I run into bin Laden? They are innocent enough except for the fact that I play out each and every scenario in my head and it's beyond time consuming. It's to the point where I can't concentrate on important things. 
And speaking of playing out things in my head, have you ever been in a conversation and afterwards thought "I should have said this instead!?" For the last few years I've been doing that going into a conversation. If I know what I'm bringing to the table I'll think of each and every response you could come up with and play it out. It can be a useful tool but it's mostly so I don't have to face confrontation. If the worst was already played out in my head, whatever the reality is can't be any worse. I'm sure it'd be a trip if someone caught me having a conversation with myself though....

You call it hospital, I call it vacation

I've been hospitalized twice in my life due to my disorder and what was labeled suicidal ideation. The 1st I can't even remember, probably because I didn't get proper treatment or heal any of my issues. The 2nd was an awakening, almost vacation-esque.

I was transferred from where I started to a much better facility. It was the first time in a long time I was told it was ok and I could actually breathe and rest. This is where I did a lot of treatment and was properly diagnosed as Bipolar, ADD, and a slight form of OCD. Immediately I thought "wow, I'm pretty fucked up!" but I'm learning to embrace it and live with it. The initial plan was to treat the bipolar first. Lithium was prescribed and all was well for a bit. 

Self esteem fluctuates as much as my moods and I've never felt "great" in my skin. I was getting happy with my body. It was the first time in 6 years I was below the 200 lbs. (Mendoza line for my baseball people.) Well, I guess a teeny tiny side effect of lithium is "may cause increase in weight." Understatement of the century. It's not like I was eating like a horse, but in 3 months I put on 40 lbs!! Yup, you read that right. Self esteem schmelf esteem, I have none left...... I'm down a few pounds now and starting Monday, I found a good group of guys that are starting a version of "Biggest Loser." I've always thrived with competition and hopefully this will be the kick in the ass I need....

Dream Weaver

I never understood any of my dreams or really looked into them. In fact I barely remember any, Except for one, when I was around 10 which I remember parts of vividly. 

I'm tied up by a pack of giant intelligent bees who are constantly buzzing by my head and randomly stinging me. Their leader enters. She is bigger than anything I've seen. She flies over my face and stretches out her enormous stinger. At a snail's pace, almost slow motion in fact, she lowers down towards my eye. Right before the stinger enters my pupil, in a cold sweat, I wake up terrified. 
Fucked up? I think so. I had this same dream at least a dozen times, then never again. I still wonder what the hell this could mean. I know it adds, possibly started my adult irrational fear of getting a paper cut in my eye.....

The Dreadful Title of Weekend Dad

Week end dad- I don't want you to think that everything in my life is miserable. It just comes off that way as I'm venting. I have a wonderful family and a girl who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. My baby girl is 6 months old and always puts a smile on my face. My son is almost 10 and I can't believe how fast he's growing up! Since he was 3 I became the weekend dad because his mom took a metaphorical shit all over me and the courts might as well applauded her.
My week goes like this as a weekend dad- The week is pretty much filled with anxiety throughout but Mon and Tue are pretty calm as long as I get to talk to him on the phone which has been less and less lately. Wed my stress starts to amp up. I always have to "check in" with his mom to make sure he's going to be at school on Fri so I can pick him up. (if you knew her track record you'd understand why I have to check in with her.) Thu. I prepare myself for the hour and a half ride on 3 hours of sleep (due to work) that I have to take on Fri to get him. Fri is getting him home and "fixing" him up. Somehow his Mom forgets to have him keep up with daily living skills for him during the week. Soon as he's ready for bed, I crash. Sat we can actually enjoy ourselves as a family. Sun, we both know he has to go home later in the day and we both get pretty bummed out about it. I drop him off. The guilt starts and the anxiety cycle is right back to where it started. You know what though? I'd do whatever it takes to see my little man!

My Mania

It took them awhile to diagnose me as bipolar, which is/was better known as manic depressive. Can't speak for others but in my manic stage I feel like Parker Lewis, I can't lose. It feels like every move is the right move. Your self esteem is maxed out. Every line you say gets a laugh and (when single) every girl at the bar looked at you a little different (in a good way.) You're constantly, and I hate to use a played out line from Charlie Sheen, but you're winning! You do whatever you can to stay in this phase. The only time I like being in a social setting, and don't feel awkward and enept, is in this manic state.

There obviously is a downside or this wouldn't be a "mental illness." I think there's a stigma where people misinterpret mania for irresponsibility. Picture every decision you make, every inkling of your body says "don't" but you're doing it anyway before you even realize it. You spend money you don't have on good times with so called friends. You drink away your car payment and snort your rent for the month. That's nothing until you become "ok" again and what you've done meets real life consequences. For me, that's when the back breaking loads of guilt and thoughts of self hate and destruction come in. But that's a whole different blog for a different day....

"Friends, how many of us have them?"

Not just a song by Whodini, but almost a way of life the past few years. I don't know what internal struggles I go through that makes me disappear from the Earth from anywhere from days to a full year. Try maintaining a friendship when you just don't want to deal with anybody or anything. Thank God there's one, maybe two of my old friends that just don't care that I hide out and we can talk to each other like we've hung out for the past ten years.
I'm in the best relationship I've ever been in though, and couldn't think of anyone I'd rather spend every breathe with. I do feel like once that day comes, and it will be soon, that it's going to be "I Love You Man 2" and I have to find a wedding party off the street including a best man. I guess I'll cross then burn that friendship bridge when we get there. Can't continue to stress about things that aren't solidified in the future. But if there was a field in that, I'd be tops in my profession.

Let's begin

I'm pretty much starting this blog to come forth and speak about what and how I feel about being bipolar, along with many of my interests. I've always hated being on meds and been on them as far back as 16 yrs old when I was misdiagnosed as depressed. But after being hospitalized on 2 separate occasions and years of self medication (drinking, drugging, cutting) I realize that all meds could do is help(hopefully)! You might read this and say, shit he shares too much, but hey, it's an outlet to get things out and cope, just like everyone is looking to do. If it can help someone else out there then that's a bonus!
My newest fear and slight obsession is that my son, who is soon to be 10, is going to go through the same mental and emotional struggles that I did/do. I'll fill you in later on some of the things he (and I) have been through with his mom. I'm obviously going to leave names out. Hope you enjoy this bumpy road. I have no idea where it may lead.