I have two wonderful kids, a 10 year old son and a 6 month old daughter. I couldn't ask for two better kids and they are the loves of my life. Above all, I consider myself a Dad first and any and everything else a distant second.
When I became the "weekend dad" to my son it destroyed me. A lot of my time after my divorce I was extremely depressed. Not because of the divorce, I was young and to be honest, it wasn't a very healthy relationship. I was depressed because my life was uprooted and my little daddy's boy wasn't able to have his Dad around.
When I'm feeling depressed, I like to hide out from the world and not be around anyone. I had a routine down to the second of when I had to get out of bed to make it to work on time. It's hard knowing I can't get up but I have to anyways to see my son. The guilt is crippling, especially when I did take the easy way out and called him up to tell him I was sick and can't see him. Try to hide the tears when you hear his voice, broken-hearted, tell you "that's ok Dad."
When I'm in my manic phase I had no issues at all seeing my son but I didn't always make the right choices. I would never put my son in harm's way but I would spend money I didn't have, keep him out later than I should, and even give him an extra dessert or three. Doesn't seem like much until the cycle of guilt comes back.
I'm doing well and getting treatment now. I have great relationship with my son and going through what I went through with him taught me a lot about having to care for myself before I can take care of others. I feel that I won't make the same mistakes with my daughter and I'll just continue to grow as a great Dad....
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